how can u be prego again
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
