My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
