I puked a lego.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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