At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Randomize
