I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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