trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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