She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
