Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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