I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
