This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize