not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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