I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
