I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
