Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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