My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
