This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
