Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
