afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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