I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
