I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
