When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She announced her abortion via fbk
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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