i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
