no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
