im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
