Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
