Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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