dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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