I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
