I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
