you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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