we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize