Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
