the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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