His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Alive.
So much puke
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
