Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
