im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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