Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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