I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
