I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
