I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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