think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
