Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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