____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
