you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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