You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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