Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I love you.
Bad choice
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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