do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
