Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
