Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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