I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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