I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
