I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize