Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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