Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
